Merry Christmas, Buon Natale, Feliz Navidad!

So listen, I realize that when I write on here sometimes, I kind of just write exactly how I talk. Random things just come out...unorganized, without even thinking these people don't know me they probably have no idea what I'm talking about not too mention they probably think I'm tipping with crazy...so I'll try and kind of, make sense. haha it might help.

So Christmas this year is kind of bittersweet. I'm happy because I'm with all of my family but at the same time I really miss a certain someone, and Christmas and New Years have always been such a good time for us. I guess things are how they need to be though, and maybe they will work themselves out as all things do eventually.

Anyway, I had kind of a moment today with my Nana...first of all, this woman I really believe is God's gift to me in every way possible. We are so much alike, we look alike, (well we did when she was my age) we laugh about the same things, I can tell her just about anything, and that woman... she would do anything for me and for anyone. Her and my papa came over from Italy with my dad and his two brothers. They were dead broke, my papa started working in a steel mill and doing odds and ends construction jobs while my Nana worked for rich snobs in sewickley and sewed all of their clothes. She worked her way up to owning her own tailoring shop. I hope she's around to make my wedding dress someday, as if I'll ever get married...

but anyway, we were talking today, and she gave me my christmas present early because I was going to be working tomorrow when everyone would usually be opening their gifts. So she got me this beautiful wallet, which I really needed if you know me you know my old wallet is haggard, and inside of it was 20 dollars and just a walmart gift card. Well I was just so thankful and I tried to give her the 20 dollars back and she just got all weepy on me which made me get all weepy and said that as my Nana it is her job to always take care of me and if she had the money she would pay for my school and pay for everything for me and give me everything I need but this is all she could do...and it just breaks my heart becuase she works so hard and I don't ever want her to feel like anything she does isn't enough for me.

And Not to get all sappy, but both of my grandparents and my parents work their asses off for everything we have and we may not be sinking in money but I used to be so careless buying stupid shit and now I realize its like this, just as my Nana says "It's not about money, working as a seamstress I would see all the sewickley women come in, and sure they had beautiful clothes and beautiful smiles but behind their smiles a lot of them were sad, sure some of them happy, but a lot of them sad. Money can't buy you family or real happiness. I am rich in many things and I don't know if I have a lot of time left on this earth, but I have what I need and give what I can..." I mean this woman literally came to this country with my papa and her parents and just worked, and worked, and worked, and built a life from the ground up...this is the american dream this is what so many people take for granted.

I don't know what I'm going to do whenever i don't have them in my life anymore. They make things make sense, they make me happy when i think that I can't be.  That is love, that is real endless, never short or stingy, love.

I haven't felt that feeling since I was a kid, of just feeling like you needed this person in your life,  that kind of love is different then loving someone who you meet, it's a bond, a family bond that I really don't think I have with anyone else in my family.  I can't explain it but I would love to just write a book on her life and everything she's done...a tribute for everything she's ever done for me...I wish everyone could have this woman in their life. She made spaghetti for the electrician who came to her house to fix the wiring so I'm sure she'd make it for you too if you asked lol

Ciao

 

So----It turns out I passed my praxis, the entire thing, including the math. I know---I was just as shocked--then again, maybe I just don't give myself enough credit and I do have something worth talking about more than just my ability to carry on a steady conversation with a brick wall.

 

Also, I got a visit from something that has been missing for a solid two months now....and what with the unusual sleeping/eating/sore in the chest feelings i've been having, I had nearly convinced myself that I was something that would really complicate my life right now. Thankfully, God has a plan and both my Praxis scores and that lovely little present appeared on the same day.

 

I know that men have no idea what i'm talking about, but girls...we've all been there. That "feeling" where you just think, well shit...aren't I up a damn creek without a paddle. Well I'm worry free, and i could kiss the freaking sky.

 

Moving on...did you ever really miss someone, just someone that used to be a big part in your life, and you haven't seen them in months..then all of a sudden you see them EVERYWHERE? Well I ran into you know who's older brother, who I can say was pretty much a big brother to me, who I really really miss having in my life...and it was kind of bitter sweet. Sweet because I missed him and I was happy to catch up, bitter because neither of us really knows what the future holds...and I kind of wish that I could just look at him and say listen things are going to be fine for the both of us, things will work out we will be okay but its strange, because neither of us have any control over how the other persons situation turns out. I ran into him at work, when I was working a night shift at Quaker Steak and Lube during the Steeler Game, and then tonight when I went to Mad Mex for a margarita. Just, God is funny like that...he really is.

 

Other than all of this, I'm home for christmas break obviously working my butt off, and unfortunately...that includes Christmas Day. Yep, I was the lucky winner they "pulled out of a hat" they said. Really? Really....REALLY? Who is going to eat wings on christmas day? I don't care about the lousy 50 dollars you're giving me..its Christmas dammit. and I don't want to be working. Too bad I need this job, or else audios amigos. It's not right, regardless that a manager has to wokr regardless that there are other people working, it doesn't justify it..no one should have to.

 

And I don't mean to sound all liberal here but I am not going to feed this money hungry pig of a corporate company...it's crap. just crap. Thank you Quaker Steak and Lube for making my family have to celebrate christmas a day early because my ass won't be present on the actual day. Of all of my 20 years in existance this will be the first christmas I won't be wiht my family.

 

SO thank you. Thanks alot. I bet the owners won't be working in that kitchen or serving people some freaking wings. NO they will be sitting at home in their burka lounges accepting presents and drinking expensive wine. Asses.

 

After Mad Mex I went to go see Ps. I love you, which was adorable, as I assumed it would be.. and not nearly as unrealistic as people think it might be. It was actually pretty close to how reality might be in that situation, and it was devestating and heart warming at the same time. Of course I cried cause God knows I'm not able to deal with own emotional well being let alone a woman who's husband just died fictional or non fictional its still some sad shit.

 

Will I ever find a Jerry? Did I find him already? Don't you wish sometimes you could just fast forward and see the ending, before you have to go through the stress of reading the whole book or watching the whole movie? I'm like that...but I just hope my ending's happy and worth the wait...

Well, hi all!

So after I last posted...I spent about an hour on the phone with the person previously mentioned. No, not talking about my feelings or any message I had sent him...we spoke about my horrible inability to say "button" because I pronounce it "buddon". We talked about his project he's working on, his want to watch die hard, and how deer meat is really healthy for you. We also spoke about black friday and the deals. Do you think I could grow the balls to say hey, lets hang out? Hey, lets talk about the fact that we were together for 2 years and I'm still hopelessly in love with you and think this whole us not being together thing is stupid? We still see each other once a week why don't we stop pretending and be together again? No. Of course not. Because it's me, and I don't know how, and I just...couldn't. I tried to talk about my praxis test...you know, no big deal, just what determines if I get into the education program or not. Do you think he cares? I'm sorry Alyssa, what were you saying? I was busy thinking about die hard and counting the calories of deer meet. OH MY GOD.

SO I go to sleep, and what do you know? 5 am. that's right. 5. AM. I get a phone call-

hey alyssa...i'm here at best buy. Man, this line is too long. I think I got here late. I think I'm just gonna go home.

cool good story. What the shit? seriously?  SERIOUSLY?  oh sweet maria. what is my life. why was that phone call necessary?

So there was that, random phone call, then the next day, I hung out with my friend Jeremiah. Now here is where I think info needs to be given because otherwise you will just be lost. So i'm going to explain this once.

Jeremiah is a friend. He messaged me through my space, just a cool kid who lives by me who's cool to talk to. Well, Jeremiah has a crush on me. He wants to go on a date. I say no no Jeremiah. No. No. Sure you're attractive, sure you're really nice, sure you would treat me like gold and probably give a shit what i say and if I pass or fail my praxis. but that's besides the point. Until you have gorgeous blonde hair and sparking blue eyes and the same DNA as the person I spent two years of my life with, you're just not going to do.

But I tried. I said okay-we can go to the mall, get some food, do some shopping on HELL DAY aka BLACK FRIDAY (and i don't like crowds---what was I thinking?) But it is purely platonic. I do not want to date you. So  I explain this, so I feel no guilt. Yet as soon as I get in his car I'm thinking...I miss him. We spent last thanksgiving together. We ate at cheese cake factory. I wish you were him. Isn't that horrible? And it's not Jeremiah's fault. He's great, talkative, whatever. But as I pushed my way through people and get nauseated by the smell of roasting nuts in the mall, I just wished that I could be with that person...christmas shopping with them..hinting at ideas for christmas presents.

So do I tell Jeremiah this? no. I don't want to hurt his feelings. But then afterwards when he takes me home, and I be sure to get out of the car before there is any ackward hugging or wondering what to do...he sends me a message, singing my praises. And it's like dont...don't do that. I feel like I wasn't even there. Sure i was listening, but I was half assing it all the way. I wish I could just say to hell with how I feel but I think I'm just not ready, and I don't know if I ever will be.

Maybe I am meant for this person? Or Maybe I'm just stupid. This is limbo and limbo blows. SO i'm off to watch reruns of Samantha Who on ABC.com

She's funny, she lights up my day.

have a good one all.

It's thanksgiving already and I can't believe it. Yet I can, because time flies in college. seriously. whirl wind. But I have to say, my life is not exactly what i want it to be right now and Thanksgiving just makes it all too apparent. Wanna hang out with the boyfriend but wait, we aren't together anymore...oh except whenever once a week he wants to see me. But that means nothing. And it'd be even more awesome if I had an OUNCE of self control to not message him and tell him I miss him so much. Or to not answer his phone call when he only wants to ask me about computer sales during black Friday. Life would be a lot easier if a LOT of things were different.

But as I said to him, in my text message professing how bad it sucks to care about him, life is how it is and there's jack shit i can do about it. So here I am. bad idea alyssa. bad idea. but we all know how it is, it's like..what is the worst for you, you cannot seem to let go---it's comfortable, but if it doesn't exist..it's like..all you can really do is keep moving. For some reason, I just want to believe that something, anything is left.

So here's my play by play today:

Woke up this morning after a night full of blazing, feeling like I had literally just closed my eyes. Heard what sounded like God himself pounding on my door, but it was just my mother- barking at me to come upstairs and eat breakfast. Got yelled at for not looking completely awake at the table, and for commenting that breakfast was cold. Wrong move, wrong move alyssa. i heard the whole "If you would have been up at 8 am..." and its not like i could say, oh yeah, sorry about that mom, i was blazed out of my mind until 1 am...and don't get me wrong, I do not do that all the time. In fact, it's kind of rare...but every once in a while, I have to say....it's just kind of nice to get your mind off everything.

So after all that, I set the table and we're pretty much just waiting for all the food to be cooked. I'm teaching myself Alicia Keys "A Woman's Worth" on the piano and then next thing I know, I'm smelling smoke. I look and see that our oven just has smoke pouring out of it. I go over, swing the oven door open, just A SMOKE FEST the alarm goes off I'm thinking...Jesus H what the shit is going on in the kitchen right now?!

Finally take the turkey out and popped some windows open see that the juice was what was sizzling and not the actual turkey. my dad comes down stairs, ripping me a new asshole because he just assumed I did something ."I leave the kitchen for 5 minutes to take a damn shower and the effin turkey is exploding". So there was that..

then everyone came over, usually family debacle with my cousins arguing because Jamie is supposedly still addicted to drugs and still working at a grocery store even though she's 25 for 7.50 an hour and hangs out with a drug addict. I think that she just smokes pot and doesn't feel like changin her life around and gettin another job. Even though she does have a friend who just brings her down, I don't think she's dumb enough to do hard core drugs again.

Then we all stuffed our faces, with my mom having hot flashes across the table.. no idea why she's not old enough for menopause yet....god help me w hen that happens to her. Then we all sat down and watched chevy chase christmas vacation..

so here I am, exhausted, nervous for what may come tomorrow...I have a little surprise up my sleeve. We'll leave it at that.

They (and I don't really know who they is) say that therapy is good, and a good way to get out your emotions and how you feel. They say it's not good to bottle things up, and that you need to have an outlet, creative or otherwise, to release that tension. Well this is mine, my therapy couch. Because frankly, I don't really like the idea of actually going to therapy and paying a stranger to listen to my problems. I feel like this is my own battle, and I need to be a big girl and deal with things myself.

This is scary for me, because I love to write, and I want to be an author some day, but I've never really put myself out there for everyone to see, to judge, to make comments on. It's always just been me myself and I, writing letters I'll never send, writing poems that will never be read by anybody but me.